All posts by coachbunch@gmail.com

Marriage and Same Sex Attraction

Below are some of the resources that have softened my heart and clarified my convictions in these areas of life.

The reality is that we are ALL “oriented” towards idolatry.  Our attractions have been perverted away from God towards other things. Then only question is how those attractions will be handled. And, what we will worship.


Sam Allberry sharing his personal journey as a Christ-follower with same sex attraction


Lauire and Matt Krieg in a podcast with Juli Slattery on their marriage and Laurie’s same sex attraction. <Listen to the podcast>

Making Peace with Silence

“In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding; no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me—naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken—nothing.

It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.

But that is not all. As soon as I decide to stay in my solitude, confusing ideas, disturbing images, wild fantasies, and weird associations jump about in my mind like monkeys in a banana tree. Anger and greed begin to show their ugly faces. I give long, hostile speeches to my enemies and dream lustful dreams in which I am wealthy, influential, and very attractive—or poor, ugly, and in need of immediate consolation.

Thus I try again to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness and restore my false self in all its vainglory.”

The task is to persevere in my solitude, to stay in my cell until all my seductive visitors get tired of pounding on my door and leave me alone.

Henri Nouwen

Here is a great blog post I found for exploring this a bit more.

Marriage, Sexuality, Mistakes and Hope

When I grew up and crafted my vision of marriage, I was SO naive.

I created this unrealistic fairytale in my mind about a life where finally sex was not a sin. In my fairytale, my wife and I could just frolic from one sexcapade to another in wedded bliss. So many assumptions. So few conversations. Twisted expectations. It was a total recipe for disaster.

Here’s the problem… Like me, my wife had her life to lead too. Dreams of her own. Desires of her own. A frequency of her own. None of this wrong! Just different. We had a LOT in common – but we were still different. But was I really naive?

Naive: (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.
“the rather naive young man had been totally misled”

There will be no blame-shifting here, I was not misled. No one fed me the crap I believed. I made it up on my own. More than 34 years later though I just shake my head. What an idiot!

 

I wish someone in my life at that time who would have just leveled with me at some point but I didn’t. I did not get this message in the hour of  pre-marital counseling we had either. All I recall is the statement “You think sex is good now, wait until you are married!” I immediately put on my best poker-face and thought… this is a trap! Don’t blink. The unfortunate reality though is that I used that statement to fuel some jacked up expectations. I WISH I could have gotten a hold of something like the video down below at the time. Perhaps if I had instead heard:

No two people are ever sexually compatible for the long haul.

I would have been better prepared for the journey. I would have treasured the times when my wife and I were physically compatible even more. And, perhaps gotten less frustrated when we weren’t. I would also have had a better message to pass along to my kids.

These days a haunting word that seems to come up often is “broken”. That is an extreme the culture is resisting – and I think rightfully so. We wrestle with the word “broken” because of the permanence associated with it. Broken doesn’t have to mean jacked up beyond redemption. It could just mean having your selfish rebellious spirit broken down into repentance, reverence and humility. It could just mean looking back over decisions you made and wishing you had made better ones… The best I can do to summarize our journey as parents is that we focused on Purity with our kids and Playing defense was just not enough.

  • Here is your equipment and it is good.
  • Don’t have sex before marriage because that will scar you for life.
  • Once you get married it will be awesome.
  • In the meantime, suck it up
  • Because I said so.
  • And I say so because the Bible says so.

We missed marveling at God’s staggeringly complex creation. I believe we did not camp out on the “why” enough. We set aside sex as a problem to be managed rather that admitting that sexuality permeates all of our relationships and interactions. We lost sight of the fact that sexuality reflects things about God – because He created it to. We sought to manage sin not worship God.

We set aside sex as a problem to be managed rather that admitting that sexuality permeates all of our relationships and interactions.

If this resonates with you at all I highly suggest you watch the video below. It was recorded as a part of a Date Night series – it is not about how to have a successful Date Night (although it should definitely help with that). Think of it like a complimentary conference on Marriage, Sexuality, Mistakes and Hope. I have been a Christian for over 40 years and this is a different conversation for me. Yes, it is long but seriously… this is a big dang deal! Your sexuality permeates just about every relationship you have on some level. It is core to who we are – we can’t avoid it.

https://youtu.be/ZltSFT4JY6U


Sexuality: Masterpiece or Minefield?

Actually, its BOTH. God created everyone of us with sexuality and that sexuality is imprinted on our soul. Our sexuality shows up in anatomy, hormones, attractions, needs and desires. Our sexuality is powerful; sometimes overwhelmingly so. In fact, it is so powerful that the only context strong enough to truly handle it is the covenant relationship God called marriage. But when we use our sexuality outside of that relationship, the consequences are unpredictable and become a minefield.

Sexuality

Artists like Michelangelo spent years working on sculptures that use anatomy as part of their story. The world famous Mona Lisa involves anatomy too – but it her case it’s her eyes and her mysterious smile. Eye contact can be VERY powerful and sexuality is not limited to private parts. It springs forth from our eyes, our facial expressions, neck, lips, neck, arm, tongue, hands, fingertips, shoulders, legs… you name it. Our sexuality is aroused in many ways: sight, smell, touch, taste, sounds and situations; even unconscious dreams. It really is staggering that God created all of this – knowing full well it would create endless opportunities for sin. The ache for acceptance is relentless…

There is no escaping it

This topic affects everyone on a very personal level and virtually no one is talking about it inside the church! People have deep stuff going on in this area and churches are not inherently equipped to handle it. It takes intentionality. It also takes courage to take the topic of sexuality on because people back away from it like the plague – its a conversation stopper. That is until until someone courageously (or desperately) opens up and opens the door. Then, the floodgates open. There is so much pain lurking just below the surface. We have got to figure out a way to deal with it.

Reclaiming Sexuality (or at least what fighting for what God intended Sexuality to be)

My wife and I attended a leadership training event recently where we heard raw and transparent testimony from the people below about their journey of brokenness and Reclaiming Sexuality. We were reminded that sexuality is something beautiful; created by God to give us a tangible way to understand the concept of His covenant love. I now have Hope for a better conversation inside the church regarding sex and sexuality. I have this hope because I met some people who were willing to get gut-level honest about the nitty gritty realities of life in this area. They have lived it and are STILL living it. There was no sugar-coating the challenges. Being a Christian does not make you immune. In fact, it probably puts a target on your back – but we can get into that later.

Here are the groups we heard from:

Anne Kerr – https://truenorthfp.org
Julie Slattery – https://www.authenticintimacy.com/
Jonathan Daugherty – http://www.jonathandaugherty.com/

Each has their own personal story of struggle and victory. Each has their own unique perspective. All have a unifying testimony of God’s faithfulness as they sought to look at their circumstances biblically and respond in a spiritually heroic fashion.

Here is an example: In this video Juli Slattery talks about the beauty of Sexuality and how it is a Powerful “Holy” Metaphor.

 

God Wants to Author Your Story – Not just Edit it.

Here is a great look into Steve Saint’s mindset years down the road and following an accident that left him partially paralyzed. Steve Saint, is the son of Nick Saint who was one of 5 missionaries who were killed in Ecuador in the late 1950’s. His is an amazing story of forgiveness and redemption as he grew to know (and love) the man who killed his father. The life that resulted from those experiences – guided by Christ’s love and mercy – can be felt in this video. It’s long but its well worth it!

 

Equality is Only Found in Our Value to God

Equality is a prominent social discussion. But no one is ever truly equal to another.
  1. It takes all of us to reflect the various complexities of the character of God. Each equally valued in the eyes of God and each uniquely suited for a certain ministry path. None more “valuable” than the other – just different.
  2. Job is my best example in scripture of being highly regarded by God and yet used by God for HIS GLORY through seemingly “unfair” suffering and personal cost. God actually seemed matter of fact. The dialogue in Chapters 1-2 sounds more like a negotiation than a hesitant sacrifice for “the cause”.
  3. Job and his friends vent and speculate for 36 chapters. Then, in Chapter 38 instead of God saying something like “Job, I’m sorry, here is what was really going on. I needed to use you. I know it hurt. You did not deserve this. ” He blasts Job with perspective. Job got put in his place and repented.
  4. In the restoration, Job’s daughters also got an inheritance – just like the sons.

Our charge as Christians is not to defend scripture. That may be what many are expecting us to do with prickly passages on women and men. Our charge is to weigh specific passages in light of the whole of scripture and seek to hear from God as to how it applies to us. WITHOUT demanding fairness – whatever that means. God is just. He is sovereign. If it is in scripture, He is content with it.

We would be wise to tread lightly with our discontent over what we think we may be hearing when Biblical passages trouble us. God is not seeking our approval. He is expecting our worship. Our only other choice is disbelief.

Jesus and the Wild Wild West

There are two visions of life, two kinds of people.

The first see life as a possession to be carefully guarded. They are called settlers. The second see life as a wild, fantastic, explosive gift. They are called pioneers. These two types give rise to two kinds of theology: Settler Theology and Pioneer Theology. According to Wes Seeliger in his book, Western Theology, the first kind, Settler Theology, is an attempt to answer all the questions, define and housebreak some sort of Supreme Being, establish the status quo on golden tablets in cinemascope. Pioneer Theology is an attempt to talk about what it means to receive the strange gift of life. The Wild West is the setting for both theologies.

Settler Theology

In Settler Theology, the church is the courthouse. It is the center of town life. The old stone structure dominates the town square. Its windows are small and this makes things dark inside. Within the courthouse walls, records are kept, taxes collected, trials held for bad guys. The courthouse is the settler’s symbol of law, order, stability, and—most importantly—security. The mayor’s office is on the top floor. His eagle eye ferrets out the smallest details of town life.
In Pioneer Theology, the church is the covered wagon. It’s a house on wheels, always on the move. The covered wagon is where the pioneers eat, sleep, fight, love and die. It bears the marks of life and movement—it creaks, is scarred with arrows, bandaged with baling wire. The covered wagon is always where the action is. It moves toward the future and doesn’t bother to glorify its own ruts. The old wagon isn’t comfortable, but the pioneers don’t mind. They are more into adventure than comfort.

In Settler Theology, God is the mayor. He is a sight to behold. Dressed like a dude from back East, he lounges in an over-stuffed chair in his courthouse office. He keeps the blinds drawn. No one sees him or knows him directly, but since there is order in town, who can deny that he is there? The mayor is predictable and always on schedule. The settlers fear the mayor, but look to him to clear the payroll and keep things going. Peace and quiet are the mayor’s main concerns. That’s why he sends the sheriff to check on the pioneers who ride into town.
In Pioneer Theology, God is the trail boss. He is rough and rugged, full of life. He chews tobacco, drinks straight whiskey. The trail boss lives, eats, sleeps, fights with his people. Their sell-being is his concern. Without him the wagon wouldn’t move; living as a free man would be impossible. The trail boss often gets down in the mud with the pioneers to help push the wagon, which often gets stuck. He prods the pioneers when they get soft and want to turn back. His fist is an expression of his concern.

In Settler Theology, Jesus is the sheriff. He’s the guy who is sent by the mayor to enforce the rules. He wears a white hat, drinks milk, outdraws the bad guys. The sheriff decides who is thrown into jail. There is a saying in town that goes: those who believe the mayor sent the sheriff, and follow the rules, they won’t stay in Boothill when it comes their time.
In Pioneer Theology, Jesus is the scout. He rides out ahead to find our which way the pioneers should go. He lives all the dangers of the trail. The scout suffers every hardship, is attacked by the Indians. Through his words and actions he reveals the true intentions of the trail boss. By looking at the scout, those on the trail learn what it means to be a pioneer.
In Settler Theology, the Holy Spirit is the saloon girl. Her job is to comfort the settlers. They come to her when they feel lonely, or when life gets dull or dangerous. She tickles them under the chin and makes everything okay again. The saloon girl squeals to the sheriff when someone starts disturbing the peace.

Pioneer Theology

In Pioneer Theology, the Holy Spirit is the buffalo hunter. He rides along with the covered wagon and furnishes fresh meat for the pioneers. Without it they would die. The buffalo hunter is a strange character—sort of a wild man. The pioneers can never tell what he will do next.
He scares the hell out of the settlers. He has a big black gun that goes off like a cannon. He rides into town on Sunday to shake up the settlers. You see, every Sunday morning, the settlers have a little ice cream party in the courthouse. With his gun in hand the buffalo hunter sneaks up to one of the courthouse windows. He fires a tremendous blast that rattles the whole courthouse. Men jump out of their skin, women scream, dogs bark. Chuckling to himself, the buffalo hunter rides back to the wagon train shooting up the town as he goes.
In Settler Theology, the Christian is the settler. He fears the open, unknown frontier. His concern is to stay on good terms with the mayor and keep out of the sheriff’s way. “Safety first” is his motto. To him the courthouse is a symbol of security, peace, order, and happiness. He keeps his money in the bank. The banker is his best friend. The settler never misses an ice cream party.

In Pioneer Theology, the Christian is the pioneer. He is a man of daring, hungry for a new life. He rides hard, knows how to use a gun when necessary. The pioneer feels sorry for the settlers and tries to tell them of the joy and fulfillment of life on the trail. He dies with his boots on.
In Settler Theology, the clergyman is the banker. Within his vault are locked the values of the town. He is a highly respected man. He has a gun, but keeps it hidden in his desk. He feels that he and the sheriff have a lot in common. After all, they both protect the bank.

In Pioneer Theology, the clergyman is the cook. He doesn’t furnish the meat. He just dishes up what the buffalo hunter provides. This is how he supports the movement of the wagon. He never confuses his job with that of the trail boss, scout, or the buffalo hunter. He sees himself as just another pioneer who has learned how to cook. The cook’s job is to help the pioneers pioneer.

Faith

In Settler Theology, faith is trusting in the safety of the town: obeying the laws, keeping your nose clean, believing the mayor is in the courthouse.

In Pioneer Theology, faith is the spirit of adventure: the readiness to move out, to risk everything on the trail. Faith is obedience to the restless voice of the trail boss.

Sin

In Settler Theology, sin is breaking one of the town’s ordinances.
In Pioneer Theology, sin is wanting to turn back.

Salvation

In Settler Theology, salvation is living close to home and hanging around the courthouse.
In Pioneer Theology, salvation is being more afraid of sterile town life than death on the trail. Salvation is joy at the thought of another day to push on into the unknown. It is trusting the trail boss and following his scout while living on the meat furnished by the buffalo hunter.

—Lion and Lamb: the Relentless Tenderness of Jesus, Brennan Manning, Chapter 3, Fleming H. Revell Company, Old Tappan, NJ, 1986.3

Harnessing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is most often considered a bad thing. So it is counterintuitive to think of harnessing it for good. An yet, vulnerability is actually the gateway to joy. But it is an all or nothing proposition!

You Need Help (ok, “We” Need Help)

What do you mean “I” need help? How dare you say that to me! With everything you have going on? I don’t need help. You had better not use the word “you” in sentence towards me. You know how much stuff you need to work on yourself? You need to back off! YOU are the one that needs help.

Have you ever had those thoughts running through your head? Statements like these are defense mechanisms. We all get defensive at times. Perhaps not visibly but at least internally. The struggle is real.

If We Were a Computer

Let’s say we are a brand new computer. We do our thing and do it well. And then one day, we meet someone and trust them a little too much. Bam! They infect us with a virus. At that point we are in trouble…

Life is like this. We need some hero with super powers to take ultimate control from the outside. But that would take ultimate vulnerability. And yet, the truth is that we were already vulnerable to some extent or we never would have contracted the virus in the first place. We knowingly and unknowingly go places where bad things can happen. We make bad decisions. Here comes the scary irony –  if we want to be free of this dilemma, we are going to have to get even more vulnerable for a while in order to fix the problem. Life cannot go on as it is.

Dealing with Our Vulnerability

We need a trustworthy, more powerful tool to find and remove the virus. The hope is that our superhero can find the culprit that plagues us and remove it without corrupting all of our data. For the Christian, the ultimate virus removal tool is Jesus Christ. God reaching down to walk among us so that our virus could be removed. All we have to do is believe in him and accept what he has to offer. That takes ultimate vulnerability. But peace and eternal life are the reward!