Category Archives: Married

God, Married, Single

Marriage and Same Sex Attraction

Below are some of the resources that have softened my heart and clarified my convictions in these areas of life.

The reality is that we are ALL “oriented” towards idolatry.  Our attractions have been perverted away from God towards other things. Then only question is how those attractions will be handled. And, what we will worship.

Sam Allberry sharing his personal journey as a Christ-follower with same sex attraction

Lauire and Matt Krieg in a podcast with Juli Slattery on their marriage and Laurie’s same sex attraction. <Listen to the podcast>

Married, Parenting

Marriage, Sexuality, Mistakes and Hope

When I grew up and crafted my vision of marriage, I was SO naive.

I created this unrealistic fairytale in my mind about a life where finally sex was not a sin. In my fairytale, my wife and I could just frolic from one sexcapade to another in wedded bliss. So many assumptions. So few conversations. Twisted expectations. It was a total recipe for disaster.

Here’s the problem… Like me, my wife had her life to lead too. Dreams of her own. Desires of her own. A frequency of her own. None of this wrong! Just different. We had a LOT in common – but we were still different. But was I really naive?

Naive: (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.
“the rather naive young man had been totally misled”

There will be no blame-shifting here, I was not misled. No one fed me the crap I believed. I made it up on my own. More than 34 years later though I just shake my head. What an idiot!

 

I wish someone in my life at that time who would have just leveled with me at some point but I didn’t. I did not get this message in the hour of  pre-marital counseling we had either. All I recall is the statement “You think sex is good now, wait until you are married!” I immediately put on my best poker-face and thought… this is a trap! Don’t blink. The unfortunate reality though is that I used that statement to fuel some jacked up expectations. I WISH I could have gotten a hold of something like the video down below at the time. Perhaps if I had instead heard:

No two people are ever sexually compatible for the long haul.

I would have been better prepared for the journey. I would have treasured the times when my wife and I were physically compatible even more. And, perhaps gotten less frustrated when we weren’t. I would also have had a better message to pass along to my kids.

These days a haunting word that seems to come up often is “broken”. That is an extreme the culture is resisting – and I think rightfully so. We wrestle with the word “broken” because of the permanence associated with it. Broken doesn’t have to mean jacked up beyond redemption. It could just mean having your selfish rebellious spirit broken down into repentance, reverence and humility. It could just mean looking back over decisions you made and wishing you had made better ones… The best I can do to summarize our journey as parents is that we focused on Purity with our kids and Playing defense was just not enough.

  • Here is your equipment and it is good.
  • Don’t have sex before marriage because that will scar you for life.
  • Once you get married it will be awesome.
  • In the meantime, suck it up
  • Because I said so.
  • And I say so because the Bible says so.

We missed marveling at God’s staggeringly complex creation. I believe we did not camp out on the “why” enough. We set aside sex as a problem to be managed rather that admitting that sexuality permeates all of our relationships and interactions. We lost sight of the fact that sexuality reflects things about God – because He created it to. We sought to manage sin not worship God.

We set aside sex as a problem to be managed rather that admitting that sexuality permeates all of our relationships and interactions.

If this resonates with you at all I highly suggest you watch the video below. It was recorded as a part of a Date Night series – it is not about how to have a successful Date Night (although it should definitely help with that). Think of it like a complimentary conference on Marriage, Sexuality, Mistakes and Hope. I have been a Christian for over 40 years and this is a different conversation for me. Yes, it is long but seriously… this is a big dang deal! Your sexuality permeates just about every relationship you have on some level. It is core to who we are – we can’t avoid it.

https://youtu.be/ZltSFT4JY6U

Divorced, God, Married, Married w/ Middle Children, Married w/ Older Children, Married w/ Small Children, Men, Separated, Single, Women

Sexuality: Masterpiece or Minefield?

Actually, its BOTH. God created everyone of us with sexuality and that sexuality is imprinted on our soul. Our sexuality shows up in anatomy, hormones, attractions, needs and desires. Our sexuality is powerful; sometimes overwhelmingly so. In fact, it is so powerful that the only context strong enough to truly handle it is the covenant relationship God called marriage. But when we use our sexuality outside of that relationship, the consequences are unpredictable and become a minefield.

Sexuality

Artists like Michelangelo spent years working on sculptures that use anatomy as part of their story. The world famous Mona Lisa involves anatomy too – but it her case it’s her eyes and her mysterious smile. Eye contact can be VERY powerful and sexuality is not limited to private parts. It springs forth from our eyes, our facial expressions, neck, lips, neck, arm, tongue, hands, fingertips, shoulders, legs… you name it. Our sexuality is aroused in many ways: sight, smell, touch, taste, sounds and situations; even unconscious dreams. It really is staggering that God created all of this – knowing full well it would create endless opportunities for sin. The ache for acceptance is relentless…

There is no escaping it

This topic affects everyone on a very personal level and virtually no one is talking about it inside the church! People have deep stuff going on in this area and churches are not inherently equipped to handle it. It takes intentionality. It also takes courage to take the topic of sexuality on because people back away from it like the plague – its a conversation stopper. That is until until someone courageously (or desperately) opens up and opens the door. Then, the floodgates open. There is so much pain lurking just below the surface. We have got to figure out a way to deal with it.

Reclaiming Sexuality (or at least what fighting for what God intended Sexuality to be)

My wife and I attended a leadership training event recently where we heard raw and transparent testimony from the people below about their journey of brokenness and Reclaiming Sexuality. We were reminded that sexuality is something beautiful; created by God to give us a tangible way to understand the concept of His covenant love. I now have Hope for a better conversation inside the church regarding sex and sexuality. I have this hope because I met some people who were willing to get gut-level honest about the nitty gritty realities of life in this area. They have lived it and are STILL living it. There was no sugar-coating the challenges. Being a Christian does not make you immune. In fact, it probably puts a target on your back – but we can get into that later.

Here are the groups we heard from:

Anne Kerr – https://truenorthfp.org
Julie Slattery – https://www.authenticintimacy.com/
Jonathan Daugherty – http://www.jonathandaugherty.com/

Each has their own personal story of struggle and victory. Each has their own unique perspective. All have a unifying testimony of God’s faithfulness as they sought to look at their circumstances biblically and respond in a spiritually heroic fashion.

Here is an example: In this video Juli Slattery talks about the beauty of Sexuality and how it is a Powerful “Holy” Metaphor.

 

God, Jesus, Married

TRUE Love Holds No Record of Wrongs

Love is a way of Life

  • If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
  • And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
  • If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is Counter-Cultural

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love

Married

One Piece of Advice I would give on Marriage

“What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us Happy?”

screen-shot-2016-09-16-at-5-33-33-amI can vividly remember first hearing about the book Sacred Marriage because the subtitle pissed me off. It was recommended to me at a time when I was going through marriage counseling back around 2004. I was pissed off at a lot things back then. I definitely did not want some trite saying that ignored my pain and anger and suggested that my struggle was part of “the overall plan”. It felt like something needed to be fixed. A lot of things in life at that time felt wrong and unfair. However, twelve years later and 32 years into my marriage, this is distinction is exactly what I offer when someone asks me for “the one piece of advice I would give on marriage.”

If I could go back and talk to the version of me that existed in 2004 I am not sure what I would say. Struggling in a marriage is a tough, tough place to be. There does not seem to be any quick solution either. Any relationship worth having is going to be work. Marriage is no different and yet, I waltzed right into it thinking it was going to be somewhat natural. The only natural thing about marriage for me was the sex. Well, that is not even true. You know, come to think of it, none of it came naturally to me. That is why my wife deserves a medal!

Strange Pairing

screen-shot-2016-09-16-at-5-53-04-amIt may seem like a strange pairing to bring up The Notebook beside Sacred Marriage at this point. Probably even scandalous and irreverent. But I am convinced people don’t LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie The Notebook because of the sex in the beginning. It grabs the heart because of the heroic commitment at the end. THAT is the difference and I believe that is a glimpse of the character of God.

Don’t misunderstand me – The Notebook is NOT a Christian story meant to reveal the nature of God. But that doesn’t meant that it does not do just that. We are all created in the image of God and that residual glory shows up in all kinds of places and situations. I will not spoil the story and I would suggest that you watch the TV version – it will be plenty effective. Suffice it to say – its powerful! And, some powerful truths are shown to the audience about what it looks like to be a Godly husband.  We have so very few examples of that these days. Why is that?

Well, suffering is dang hard and uncomfortable. Putting someone else’s life ahead of yours is unnatural. That is why I believe it takes the supernatural. No one I know seeks out suffering so they can speed up the maturing process. That is where God comes in. He is the consummate composter – turning our garbage into fertilizer.

Heroes are built through Suffering

davidHeroes are built (or revealed) in the midst of suffering. You can’t script it. You can prepare yourself for it though!  Heroes get labeled as heroes when they defy odds, do something noble or sacrificial, take risks and act unselfishly. Heroes BECOME heroes through thousands of seemingly small decisions in their daily life. Choices of what to do and what to not do. Choices that build character and conviction. The statue to the right was fashioned after a hero. While the grown men in the army shook in their boots, young David took on Goliath because Goliath was insulting God and the people who worshiped him. SOMEONE had to stand up and do something. He took five smooth stones and a sling. But that was not the first time he ever used that sling!

I believe God is constantly seeking to use circumstances and consequences to chip away at our selfishness so that we can become the person He created us to be. Thankfully, that is the person we also want to be deep down inside. Sort of like a sculptor – chiseling away at all the stuff that is in the way of our best self. Created in HIS image.

One Piece of Advice I would give on Marriage

Michael, I know you are excited and marriage is going to be the second best decision you ever made in your life (behind accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior). But… you need to see marriage as a tool in God’s hands to shape you into the best image-bearer of God you can be. So, let’s stop right there. Whose mission are you on? Are you fulfilling yourself? Or, are you about God’s business? Marriage was not created to be a fantasy free-for-all to fulfill your wildest dreams. Or even to get all your needs met. It is also not about rights. God created marriage to show us the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church in real life in real time. You just have to choose which god you will serve because you can’t serve both yourself and God at the same time. If you choose God, the things you want for yourself will rain down like unexpected blessings. If you choose yourself (and be your own god), your will be miserable and your marriage will not last because no woman wants to be around a tyrant.

If you can see your wife as a custom-made chisel in the hands of the perfect sculptor, you will be able to embrace her as the gift that she is. She was hand picked by God – just for you. You see, God made sure it was recorded for all to read in Genesis 2:18  “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Together you two can offer a more complete representation of God’s glory and character than you can as individuals. You just have to cooperate – with God and with each other. Marriage can be awesome and wonderful! Full of dreams, laughter, romance, pleasure and fulfillment. You just can’t set out to seek that first or it be like chasing a ghost. Seek to worship, serve and grow.

Matthew 6:33 English Standard Version (ESV)

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

One of The Best Resources (probably saved my marriage!!!)

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Married, Parenting

Relationship Boundaries

Boundaries can be one of the hardest things to navigate in a relationship.

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If you do not believe in a sovereign God, it may be almost impossible.

Suffering is Universal

We will ALL get our turn. And underneath whatever is going on is the haunting age old question from God “Do you trust me?”

We Need Each Other

We are all thirsty for encouragement.

A Godly Kind of Love

“Love one another the way that I have loved you.” Sacrificially.

Boundaries are Essential

boundaries