When I grew up and crafted my vision of marriage, I was SO naive.
I created this unrealistic fairytale in my mind about a life where finally sex was not a sin. In my fairytale, my wife and I could just frolic from one sexcapade to another in wedded bliss. So many assumptions. So few conversations. Twisted expectations. It was a total recipe for disaster.
Here’s the problem… Like me, my wife had her life to lead too. Dreams of her own. Desires of her own. A frequency of her own. None of this wrong! Just different. We had a LOT in common – but we were still different. But was I really naive?
Naive: (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.“the rather naive young man had been totally misled”
There will be no blame-shifting here, I was not misled. No one fed me the crap I believed. I made it up on my own. More than 34 years later though I just shake my head. What an idiot!
I wish someone in my life at that time who would have just leveled with me at some point but I didn’t. I did not get this message in the hour of pre-marital counseling we had either. All I recall is the statement “You think sex is good now, wait until you are married!” I immediately put on my best poker-face and thought… this is a trap! Don’t blink. The unfortunate reality though is that I used that statement to fuel some jacked up expectations. I WISH I could have gotten a hold of something like the video down below at the time. Perhaps if I had instead heard:
No two people are ever sexually compatible for the long haul.
I would have been better prepared for the journey. I would have treasured the times when my wife and I were physically compatible even more. And, perhaps gotten less frustrated when we weren’t. I would also have had a better message to pass along to my kids.
These days a haunting word that seems to come up often is “broken”. That is an extreme the culture is resisting – and I think rightfully so. We wrestle with the word “broken” because of the permanence associated with it. Broken doesn’t have to mean jacked up beyond redemption. It could just mean having your selfish rebellious spirit broken down into repentance, reverence and humility. It could just mean looking back over decisions you made and wishing you had made better ones… The best I can do to summarize our journey as parents is that we focused on Purity with our kids and Playing defense was just not enough.
- Here is your equipment and it is good.
- Don’t have sex before marriage because that will scar you for life.
- Once you get married it will be awesome.
- In the meantime, suck it up
- Because I said so.
- And I say so because the Bible says so.
We missed marveling at God’s staggeringly complex creation. I believe we did not camp out on the “why” enough. We set aside sex as a problem to be managed rather that admitting that sexuality permeates all of our relationships and interactions. We lost sight of the fact that sexuality reflects things about God – because He created it to. We sought to manage sin not worship God.
We set aside sex as a problem to be managed rather that admitting that sexuality permeates all of our relationships and interactions.
If this resonates with you at all I highly suggest you watch the video below. It was recorded as a part of a Date Night series – it is not about how to have a successful Date Night (although it should definitely help with that). Think of it like a complimentary conference on Marriage, Sexuality, Mistakes and Hope. I have been a Christian for over 40 years and this is a different conversation for me. Yes, it is long but seriously… this is a big dang deal! Your sexuality permeates just about every relationship you have on some level. It is core to who we are – we can’t avoid it.
