“What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us Happy?”

I can vividly remember first hearing about the book Sacred Marriage because the subtitle pissed me off. It was recommended to me at a time when I was going through marriage counseling back around 2004. I was pissed off at a lot things back then. I definitely did not want some trite saying that ignored my pain and anger and suggested that my struggle was part of “the overall plan”. It felt like something needed to be fixed. A lot of things in life at that time felt wrong and unfair. However, twelve years later and 32 years into my marriage, this is distinction is exactly what I offer when someone asks me for “the one piece of advice I would give on marriage.”

If I could go back and talk to the version of me that existed in 2004 I am not sure what I would say. Struggling in a marriage is a tough, tough place to be. There does not seem to be any quick solution either. Any relationship worth having is going to be work. Marriage is no different and yet, I waltzed right into it thinking it was going to be somewhat natural. The only natural thing about marriage for me was the sex. Well, that is not even true. You know, come to think of it, none of it came naturally to me. That is why my wife deserves a medal!

Strange Pairing

It may seem like a strange pairing to bring up The Notebook beside Sacred Marriage at this point. Probably even scandalous and irreverent. But I am convinced people don’t LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie The Notebook because of the sex in the beginning. It grabs the heart because of the heroic commitment at the end. THAT is the difference and I believe that is a glimpse of the character of God.

Don’t misunderstand me – The Notebook is NOT a Christian story meant to reveal the nature of God. But that doesn’t meant that it does not do just that. We are all created in the image of God and that residual glory shows up in all kinds of places and situations. I will not spoil the story and I would suggest that you watch the TV version – it will be plenty effective. Suffice it to say – its powerful! And, some powerful truths are shown to the audience about what it looks like to be a Godly husband.  We have so very few examples of that these days. Why is that?

Well, suffering is dang hard and uncomfortable. Putting someone else’s life ahead of yours is unnatural. That is why I believe it takes the supernatural. No one I know seeks out suffering so they can speed up the maturing process. That is where God comes in. He is the consummate composter – turning our garbage into fertilizer.

Heroes are built through Suffering

Heroes are built (or revealed) in the midst of suffering. You can’t script it. You can prepare yourself for it though!  Heroes get labeled as heroes when they defy odds, do something noble or sacrificial, take risks and act unselfishly. Heroes BECOME heroes through thousands of seemingly small decisions in their daily life. Choices of what to do and what to not do. Choices that build character and conviction. The statue to the right was fashioned after a hero. While the grown men in the army shook in their boots, young David took on Goliath because Goliath was insulting God and the people who worshiped him. SOMEONE had to stand up and do something. He took five smooth stones and a sling. But that was not the first time he ever used that sling!

I believe God is constantly seeking to use circumstances and consequences to chip away at our selfishness so that we can become the person He created us to be. Thankfully, that is the person we also want to be deep down inside. Sort of like a sculptor – chiseling away at all the stuff that is in the way of our best self. Created in HIS image.

One Piece of Advice I would give on Marriage

Michael, I know you are excited and marriage is going to be the second best decision you ever made in your life (behind accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior). But… you need to see marriage as a tool in God’s hands to shape you into the best image-bearer of God you can be. So, let’s stop right there. Whose mission are you on? Are you fulfilling yourself? Or, are you about God’s business? Marriage was not created to be a fantasy free-for-all to fulfill your wildest dreams. Or even to get all your needs met. It is also not about rights. God created marriage to show us the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church in real life in real time. You just have to choose which god you will serve because you can’t serve both yourself and God at the same time. If you choose God, the things you want for yourself will rain down like unexpected blessings. If you choose yourself (and be your own god), your will be miserable and your marriage will not last because no woman wants to be around a tyrant.

If you can see your wife as a custom-made chisel in the hands of the perfect sculptor, you will be able to embrace her as the gift that she is. She was hand picked by God – just for you. You see, God made sure it was recorded for all to read in Genesis 2:18  “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Together you two can offer a more complete representation of God’s glory and character than you can as individuals. You just have to cooperate – with God and with each other. Marriage can be awesome and wonderful! Full of dreams, laughter, romance, pleasure and fulfillment. You just can’t set out to seek that first or it be like chasing a ghost. Seek to worship, serve and grow.

Matthew 6:33 English Standard Version (ESV)

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

One of The Best Resources (probably saved my marriage!!!)